 | The French? | |
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| French Military History in a Nutshell (click graphic below to enlarge)
"les primates capitulards qui mangent du fromage!" "Cheese eating surrender monkeys" Note: The WAV sound files "Blouse wearing poodle walker" and "Bonjour, cheese eating surrender monkeys" are ©"The Simpsons" character Willie. Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen." Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. Dutch War: Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power. War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since. American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting". French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French. Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos. War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? Q. How many gears does a French tank have? Q. How can you identify a French Infantryman? Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast? Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? Q. Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? Q. What's the difference between 1943 and 2003? Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training? Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, Pres/France "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989) "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona "They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller "I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno "The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France!
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